who dat?
i've been experiencing a strange phenomenon lately with my cell phone... when scrolling through the entries, usually looking for someone's number, i've been coming across unfamiliar names... and i have no idea who these people are, or how they got in my phone. as a reader of this blog, you would know that i don't readily give out my number... but at the same time, i don't often accept others' either, unless i need to code them so when they call, i know not to pick up that call. plus, it's not uncommon to see a plethora of nicknames in amongst the ranks. so while the names "bonnie" and "ron" make absolutely no sense to me to be listed in my phone, the names of "captain obvious" and "gdsmfcsbp" make perfect sense. anyone know who dragon is??
current mood: confused!!

the things we do
... for family. i spent the night at my parents' house on tuesday so i could drive my dad to the airport early wednesday morning. VERY early morning. alarms-to-blare-at-4am kind of early. since i'm not accustomed to hittin' the hay at 8pm, i asked my mom for some valerian. and when that didn't kick in, she gave me a half-pill of tryptophan. and when i was still awake at midnight, i figured i was screwed anyway. i didn't really sleep, in the super uncomfortable bed, anxious that i was going to miss my alarm going off. so when 4 rolled around, i was up, having never really been down. we made it to the airport and off he went (and, amazingly, i saw a girlfriend of mine at the airport at 5 in the morning too!), and i decided that it wouldn't be worth it for me to drive to my house to sleep. so i went straight to campus, parked in the parking structure, and took a nap in my own backseat before heading to work. best, and maybe only, 2 hours of sleep i had all night!
current mood: recovering

farewell, fishy friend
after five years, almost to the day, of my little fantail coming in to my life, i came home yesterday to a passed Pong. i knew he was sick this weekend, and none of my normal tricks i play when he's feeling down seemed to work. pong had been with me through a lot, through jobs and moves and love and heartache, and every night, i knew he would be there, rearranging the rocks in his tank. in the morning, he would sit in the corner, waiting for me to start to stir. if i wasn't waking up fast enough, he'd start throwing rocks against the side of his tank. i'm not making this up; he would literally pick up the pebbles from the bottom of his tank with his mouth, and spit them out.
i will miss his little fishy face with the cloudy eyes, and his punk-rock dorsal fin, and the gasp of my friends who would comment on his sheer enormity. and i will have to see if i will be able to sleep without the steady clickclickclick of those rocks being rearranged.
current mood: sad.

snap out of it!
i'm not sure what's going on with my head lately, other than working both days this weekend (a solid 8 hours yesterday), i'm finding myself running stop signs and forgetting the names of relatives. i even performed poorly at my sister's bridal shower games (gasp!) and find myself spacing out at totally inopportune times... like behind the wheel or when a vice chancellor asks me a question. trying to pull it altogether again... here's to hoping this isn't a permanent mental state.
current mood: unfocused and spacey

under pressure
there really is quite a lot to write here, but i can't seem to find the right head to do it. from work to love to friends and family, all of it has been like a spinning wheel of attention, and none of it is escaping the trap in my head and spilling out over the dancing fingertips on the keyboard.
so, until that music starts, we'll go with this:

"courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future. on some level, spiritual growth, and therefore love, involves risk and always requires courage... all life itself represents a risk, and the more lovingly we live our lives, the more risks we take." the road less traveled, m. scott peck.

current mood: stuck

relief
test results are in and all is normal. i'll still appreciate flowers though :)
current mood: trying to relax

the painted lady
for reasons i won't go in to here, yesterday was a pretty bad day, with me basically bawling my eyes out pretty early in the morning. wicked awesome. the result of this outpouring of emotion was a very red-faced, red-eyed, puffy version of myself that was not appropriate for public consumption. since i was meeting a friend for a drink, i decided to duck in to sephora for a quick touch-up. when the salesgirl approached me, steeped in can-i-help-you-ness, i decided to be honest with her: "look, i had a really awful day, and just need some concealer to get rid of these dark circles, and maybe a touch of eyeliner to bring me back to the land of the living..." she was immediately empathetic, and plopped me down in her makeup chair, saying how she understood and how it was a slow day anyway, and though she wasn't terribly familiar with the product i wanted, she'd be happy to fix me...
20 minutes later i ran out of the store, with her enthusiastic "there! no one would ever know you had a bad day!" echoing in my ears. i pulled my sunglasses on and headed to the car with my head down low, hoping i didn't run in to anyone i knew before i had a chance to glance in a mirror and do some damage control. as i pulled down the mirror visor safely inside my dark car, i saw what i feared: about 3 pounds of cosmetics piled on my face, where my fingers left marks if i pressed down and my cheeks blazing the color of a dirty penny. the eyeliner was crooked and thick, the brow bone highlighter streaked a distinct white line, underlining my darkened groucho marx brows. it took a bottle of water and 3 rough starbucks napkins to get me back near the colors god gave me. and i walked in to the bar to meet my friend, puffy and red-faced.
current mood: bronzed

re-entry
out of vacation and in to the workplace this morning can only be described with one word: ROUGH. billions of emails, project pickups, and a performance appraisal scheduled for the first thing in the morning. jab, uppercut, hook... ouch!
sf pics are here... peruse, browse and enjoy! i will continue to stare at them nostalgically:

current mood: bleh

i <3 SF
so, the crush is real and growing. i truly do love san francisco, even though i've fallen in to a routine of revisiting the places i've already seen, rather than exploring the places i've yet to discover. but i'm okay with that. my days have been spent wandering around the sometimes dirty streets with the often times dirty people and taking in the sights and smells of city life. plus i've been fortunate enough to spend time with some of my favorite people doing cool and/or ridiculous things. today, i'm playing the tourist, going to alcatraz and maybe a park or four. and then? who knows. i've managed to acquire a french shadow who likes to follow me around on my adventures, though he has the tendancy to want to go in to every tourist-y piece o' junk shop he sees. i met a czech girl on the way over, who happens to be flying back to SD on the same flight as i, and i met a woman who walked 1200 miles, from the south of france to the northeast of spain, and who has turned that journey in to a book, a one-woman show, and just sold the movie rights. and, above all, i've gotten the relief i needed as the walls were starting to close in on me in san diego, a feeling that is rare but urgent in my life. with so many things in transition or waiting on that front, it was nice to come here where my only job is just to be, to be, to be.
current mood: inspired