what, me worry? uh, *YES*.
((warning, a semi-graphic description is embedded in this entry. you should be just fine should you choose to read it, but don't say i didn't warn you.))
growing up, i figured i would have kids as part of the normal routine of life: go to school, attend college, get a job, start a family, etc. (and honestly, i haven't thought too much past those stages, yikes). but lately, as i'm in the season of life where those around me are having kids, i'm starting to rethink this... mostly because i'm a big baby, and really, who needs 2 babies around? reading girlfriends' accounts of their labor, threats of severe damage to you or the little one because of complications, losing control over functions, and having awful awful terms like "mucous plug" and "she tore right through" dropped into casual conversation have all acted as a pretty good birth control for me, even to the point where i sometimes will tell my current boy to sit on the other side of the couch.
i figure i'm not all about the pain. and i believe it when they talk about the endorphins kicking in later after all that big time pain is over, sorta to brainwash the mom into thinking it wasn't that bad. but i've had a big dose of scary stories lately, and this morning's experience at the doctor didn't help:
it all starts with the routine pap i get every year, just like any good over 21-years-old should do. except this time, something wasn't normal, leading the doctor to schedule me for a colposcopy this morning where they biopsied 2 areas of my cervix. and holy hell, i'm surprised i din't hit someone when she snipped snipped. most people get things cut off under the influence of at least topical anesthetic. they recommended to me i take a few mgs of ibuprofen. thanks. not to mention the fact that she, i don't know, MISSED the first one, and had to do it twice because not a big enough sample came off. 2 tiny snips, and i'm ready for the nunnery.
and of course, this is my perspective to look at it, because i'm trying to stay positive that this is nothing, nothing at all (not to mention the fact that other HUGE stressers in my life and future are not appropriate for this forum, so i might as well let my public know at least a little of what's going on). and even though i have a good 2 weeks to wait before i find out if this something is actually nothing, i'm going to try to keep my mind occupied on other things. or try to build good karma... so i bought a homeless guy a sandwich today at lunch. and an apple. and some water. i didn't think it'd be right to get him a beer, but maybe my karma points will hit a deduction for that.
current mood: admittedly a little worried

tadaima! x5
5 years ago today. in ways it seems forever ago and just yesterday.
current mood: reminiscent

hallelujah!
i came home last night, after being treated to two separate comfort beers (which is great in and of itself), and guess what:
THE PORT-A-POTTY OUTSIDE MY FRONT GATE IS GONE!!!
woooooo-hooo! the contractors are gone, the gardeners on his way, and i can once again return to the land of the social, allowing people to come to my house without complete horrid embarrassment that i have lived in a construction zone for the past 9 months.
current mood: clean, and port-a-potty free!

renewal
i took the first step towards becoming a grad student yesterday by sitting down with a current student (almost done!), buying her a mojito and picking her brain. and without any prompting from me, she told me what i wanted to hear. and some of what i didn't, like if i don't work at state, then i'm going to have to pay for school, aka go into some funky debt. but, on the other hand, she's got connections, and i'm willing to take that means to an end. and she took 3.5 years to do it, year-round with only one summer off, meaning that if i'm going to do it, i should move quickly when i'm still relatively responsibility-free. which means i should probably study and take the gmat already. which means i should probably just take the hit financially and enroll in a prep class (despite what some of my superstar cohorts of done, sans prep-class). but despite the daunting financially insecure future, i'm refreshed and ready to go. again.
current mood: head down

taste of hillcrest
last night was a taste of hillcrest, and by the end of the trip, i was absolutely conked out with a serious case of over-indulgence. since i got there earlier than the girls, i decided to start in on the tastings without them with some of the nearby participating restaurants. one of my favorite breakfast places, crest cafe was serving up mac/cheese/ham/jalapeño deliciousness... with wine. i was sort of surprised that they were serving alcohol, but it was a nice complement to the pasta... at least the one taste i had until i spilled the glass all over my ticket and shoes. i sampled a few more spots in the area and heather finally caught up, where i introduced her to crest, and then we decided to venture into another location on the tour: the brass rail. which is a bar. not even a bar pretending to be a restaurant, it's a straight up bar (well, maybe "straight up" is the wrong term :) so they, of course, were handing out shots. interesting. jennifer finally caught up with us, and we were off, quickly hitting a few more alcoholic and non places on the way in attempt to get as many tastes in on
the limited hours to try the 40 places listed. by the end, with mostly liquids filling my limited capacity, we all felt a little too full for anyone's good. but at least i managed to put away 19 places out of 40, with the girls doing 15 and 17 as well, so i guess it was to be expected.
and then i rolled home, and promptly fell deeply into a food-coma'd sleep. so full. good thing i'm doing relay for life tomorrow to help work some of that off!
current mood: mmmmmac&cheese

time for some vacay
life is getting tight, and due to circumstances that require me to put in quite a bit of face-time, i've been unable to escape for any sort of regroup and refresh. what's worse is watching those around me leave to go do exactly that, in hawaii and mexico, spain, canada, and lots of other places i'd also rather be. i finally booked my flight though, as the last one in my office to take any time, and i'm surprisingly not off to an exotic locale like you all have come to expect from me. i'm off to san francisco, in an attempt to connect with a city that i have a slight crush on, to take time to roam around a metropolis that is not as familiar as home, but not as foreign as it could be. a chance to reconnect to long lost friends, rejuvenate with not so lost ones, and actually take more time for myself than i have in the past 6 months. i'm off to be a tourist, rent a bike and hang out in golden gate park, check out alcatraz, and finally figure out if chowder is in my culinary taste whatsoever.
the countdown is on.
current mood: ready to chill

rough
all day staff meeting that ran an hour later than scheduled leaves for a discombobulated day today... and many many questions for me to answer for myself this weekend. i was ready to go home 20 minutes into getting here today. but i shall persevere! or fake a stomachache and cut out at lunch, and spend the weekend contemplating the future ; )
current mood: unfocused

go on, dream.
i like how my horoscope says "being realistic is for pessimists." i take the liberty of being optimistic and UNrealistic today, thankyouverymuch!
current mood: spacey